The Emissions of Dick. September 12, 2007

This site is old news, but it was only forwarded to me yesterday (I’m woefully behind the curve when it comes to forwards and memes).

The site is so over-top that it not only flirts with parody; it sticks its tongue in parody’s ear and promises to call it the next day. But it never calls.

Let’s have a look at some of the gems of wisdom that Dick Masterson has to share, shall we?

Labor Day is a very manly holiday, after all. Labor Day is why Father’s Day is bullshit. You don’t celebrate two Halloweens or two New Year’s. When compared to a day honoring labor, Father’s Day is redundant.

If there was a day dedicated to buying three times as much crap at a 50% off sale, or spilling fancy candle wax all over the carpet, then we wouldn’t need Mother’s Day.

If that’s all that it takes to be a mother, I may start to rethink my inclination towards tubal ligation. It sounds like a fairly easy job. My own mother apparently went above and beyond the call of duty. Not only did she take advantage of 50% off sales, but she also raised me by herself, kept me fed and clothed, made sure that I had access to medical care, helped me with my homework, paid for and drove me to tennis lessons, comforted me during hard times and rejoiced with me during happy times. I guess she was a bit of an overachiever, huh?

Out of all the problems that have ever or will ever exist on the Earth, there is only one that men haven’t and will never be able to solve — not because they can’t, because that’s ridiculous, but because the problem is unsolvable by design. Women hate sex.

No comment on that, aside from an irrepressible chuckle followed by a smirk.

Oh, and let’s check out what is going on in Contradiction Corner:

According to the investigative journalism of CBS, men have more than class. We also have the sense to ask for help. Directions, sexual inefficiencies, wine; they’re all the same to men and women can shut the fuck up about it. That’s why men are so smart. We’re always asking for help on things and then we’re always memorizing the help so we don’t have to sound like repeating jackasses and ask the same question twice.

Right, then.

Men are so much more considerate than women that it makes me want to start spitting all over the place. I’m a man though, so before I act, I think. I don’t just do whatever I feel like doing. In this case, I ask myself, “Hey is someone going to have to clean that up.” And if the answer is yes, I don’t do it — unless it’s going to be really funny. Then that person will probably understand.

That’s why men don’t ask for directions; because giving directions is a huge pain in the ass. You have to stop and try to remember what you’re thinking about for later and then walk some jackass down the street in your mind. Women don’t know how much of a pain in the ass it is because no one on Earth has ever asked a woman for directions.

Sooooo … men DO ask for directions? Or maybe they don’t? I live in a large city, and men ask me for directions all the time. I’m sure that Dick would inform me that that means that they are gay. Or considerate. Considerately gay? Fuck, this site is confusing.

Cheat On Your Wife or Girlfriend: Dick’s Miracle Cure for Erectile Dysfunction

If something inside your man-gut tells you that’s wrong, it’s merely your mighty man-conscious trying to fix something that’s broken in the world by fixing it in you. That’s how men do it. We lead by example. Fuck everything and everyone else. Have you ever heard of Ghandi? No woman can even understand what he did.

The truth is there’s no such thing as Cheating. It’s not a vice. It’s a natural thing. In fact it’s Father Nature’s way of telling you you have the debilitating syndrome of SW — a Shitty Wife.

If you’ve got SW, it’s because your wife is cheating on you anyway. All women are cheating whores and she’s no exception.

Double-standard, or difficulty with word comprehension? We report, you decide.

For those that like your sexism interactive, there is a delightfully named ManChat room available. It doesn’t seem to be very heavily populated, for some reason.

One more quote:

See, women’s brains fill like baby bottles by the time they’ve hit grade eight. Sure a few might make it into the second week or so of 9th, but ultimately the smaller female mind is not built to finish public education.

It’s because of their hormones, obviously. At some point women are too obsessed with sex to concentrate long enough to learn anything new — things like learning how to read a map or balancing the checkbook, or shutting the fuck up to avoid embarrassing everyone who’s ever known you.

Even though we all hate it