Best best best! July 25, 2007

A few highlights from Reason’s hilariously fantastic recap of the CNN/youtube debate:

7:16: The ghost of Wesley Willis tosses out a reparations question! Terrific. “I know you’re all going to dance around,” he says, and John Edwards dances around it.

7:21: Ah, I really would have liked for Richardson to distinguish himself on the Katrina question by talking about private investment. But he took up time that could have been used by Edwards, so it evens out.

7:25: Edwards: “If you’re not voting for Clinton or Obama because you’re a bigot, I don’t want your vote!” Ninety percent of Democrats: “OK!”

7:28: Kucinich and Dodd would let gays marry. They’ll also legalize unicorns. Neither of them will win, everybody.

7:45: I’m getting the feeling we’ll elect the next president before anyone answers the “how do we pull out now” question.

7:53: Look, I’m trying to be substantive, and Mike Gravel pounds the podium with the best of ‘em… but septugenarians shouldn’t talk about how they want ice cream cones.

8:19: Ah, it was too much to hope that Richardson would endorse vouchers. He endorses, instead, the “Into the Groove” curriculum. (“You can DANCE! For inspiration!”)

8:24: Elizabeth Edwards really needs to buy a bigger skirt if her husband is going to keep hiding behind it.

8:26: Mmmm, the drugs are kicking in. UPDATE: A magical snowman taught Dennis Kucinich the meaning of global warming. I think J.K. Rowling has her next project.

9:06: Look, everybody else is going to say it, so I will, too: Joe Biden is going to kill Dennis Kucinich and sleep with his wife.

Part 1

Part 2

I heart Dragonette. July 23, 2007

Feel free to castigate bi-basher KDub1963 in the comments section. Or just relax, watch the video, and enjoy the delicious gender-bending goodness.

Marry me, Martina!

Frat House of Worship July 23, 2007

Forget the yin and the yang
I’ll take the boom and the bang….
Don’t need in touch with my feminine side!
All I want is my testosterone high.

If these lyrics appeal to you and you’re down with Jesus, you might want to become one of the GodMen, a butchy Christian movement that could easily be sponsored by Mountain Dew. The GodMen want to re-masculinize the “wussy”, feminine practice of worshipping Jesus, keep the ladies in their place, and bring back the “Fuck” word.

“Jesus was a very bad Christian,” Coughlin declares. After all, he says, the Son of God trashed a temple and even used profanity — or the New Testament equivalent — when he called Herod “that fox.”

“The idea of Jesus as meek and mild is as fictitious as anything in Dan Brown’s ‘Da Vinci Code,’ ” says Coughlin, 40.

Let’s ignore the fact Jesus is referred to as ‘Christian’, and rejoice in the fact he was a bad-ass on par with The Fonz and a Wild One-era Marlon Brando. What a relief; here I thought that he was all love, forgiveness and turning the other cheek.

“He’s been domesticated,” says Roland Martinson, a professor of ministry at Luther Seminary in St. Paul, Minn. “He’s portrayed now as gentle, loving, kind, rather than as a full-bodied person who kicked over tables in the temple, spent 40 days in the wilderness wrestling with his identity and with God, hung out with the guys in the street. The rough-hewn edges and courage … got lopped off.”

This rugged and manly new religious movement is the brainchild of standup comedian Brad Stine, Evangelical Christianity’s answer to Robert Bly. It may seem unexpected for a standup comic to lead a religious movement, but you have to admit the results are hilarious.

Leaders don’t even bring out the Bible until they’re well into the curriculum; instead, they teach ideals of Christian manhood through Steve Martin movies and clips from “Braveheart.”

“Do not think Sunday morning worship,” Caldwell says. “Think Saturday afternoon tailgate.”

Personally, when I’m looking for a little spiritual healing, I usually prefer Martin Short movies. I do find it interesting that the GodMen are inspired by the work of Mel Gibson. I wonder what they think of his more recent endeavours.

Now that the GodMen have established the fact that Jesus is a fellow testosterone junkie, it’s time for the ladies to recognize:

.. men taking charge is a big theme of the GodMen revival. At what he hopes will be the first of many such conferences, in a warehouse-turned-nightclub in downtown Nashville, Stine asks the men: “Are you ready to grab your sword and say, ‘OK, family, I’m going to lead you?’ ” He also distributes a list of a real man’s rules for his woman. No. 1: “Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down.”

Stine’s wife, Desiree, says she supports manly leadership; it seems to her the natural and God-ordained order of things. As she puts it: “When the rubber hits the bat, I want to know my husband will protect me.”

But some men at the conference run into trouble when they debut their new attitudes at home. Eric Miller, a construction worker, admits his wife is none too pleased when he takes off, alone, on a weekend camping trip a few weeks after the GodMen conference this fall.

“She was a little bit leery of it, as we have an infant,” he reports. “She said, ‘I need your help around here.’ “

Miller, 26, refuses to yield: “I am supposed to be the leader of the family.”

Being the leader of a family apparently means leaving your wife alone to take care of your children while you play in a forest. At least she doesn’t have to worry about Rule No. 1 for a couple of days, I suppose.

But for all the hypermasculinity and bad Myspace-style poetry, Reverend Git R. Done and the GodMen movement have been helpful to at least one follower:

A few weeks later, Stephenson, 43, is still not sold on profanity. But he has ditched the nice-guy reflex of always turning the other cheek. When he spots a Wal-Mart clerk writing “Happy Holidays” on a window, he boldly complains: It should say “Merry Christmas.”

The clerk erases the offending greeting. Chalk one up for Christian testosterone.

“I wouldn’t have done that before,” Stephenson says proudly. “I am no longer a doormat.”

After all, the act of simply being inclusive is a terrible hardship that no righteous GodMan should have to bear.

Quickies July 23, 2007

U.N. suspends peacekeepers amid sex abuse charges

The United Nations said on Saturday it had suspended a Moroccan military contingent from its peacekeeping mission in Cote d’Ivoire while it investigated allegations of widespread sexual abuse.

…..

U.N. officials, speaking on condition of anonymity, said on Friday the investigation involved Moroccan soldiers having sex with a large number of underage girls in the West African country’s northern rebel stronghold of Bouake.

Turkey’s Brothels Produce Two Election Candidates

Raped by her uncle when she was 9 and sold into prostitution by a man who had promised to marry her, Ayse Tukrukcu remembers her first day at a state-controlled brothel in the southern Turkish city of Mersin like it was yesterday.

“There was a song–’Is This Justice, World’ by Hakki Bulut–playing in the shop opposite the big metal gate and a line of men waiting,” she says. “I asked the policeman at the door where I was, but he just laughed and pushed me in. My world collapsed.”

It’s been more than a decade since she paid off the $12,000 price she was sold for. Now, in an effort to draw attention to the plight of Turkey’s 3,000 state-registered prostitutes, she’s running as an independent candidate in parliamentary elections on July 22.

Lawn care company offers bikini-dressed mowers in Memphis, Tenn.

One lawn care company is showing a little skin to boost business.

The women of Tiger Time Lawn Care offer to mow customers’ lawns dressed in bikinis – a service that attracts more attention to the ladies than the lawns.

“Oh yeah, they honk and yell. They can do everything you can imagine,” said employee Blair Beckman, 21.

Beckman said the extra attention is expected, but she looks on the bright side.

“You get the attention but you also get a tan, which I need,” Beckman said.

Doctors Treating Older Anorexics

Eating disorders such as anorexia and bulimia have long been considered diseases of the young, but experts say in recent years more women have been seeking help in their 30s, 40s, 50s, and older. Some treatment centers are creating special programs for these more mature patients.

Most of the women in this age group who seek treatment have had the problem for years, said Dr. Donald McAlpine, director of an eating disorders clinic at Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minn. “The epidemiology is pretty clear that anorexia and bulimia both peak in the late teens, early 20s,” yet “a lot of (patients) continue to be symptomatic right on through to middle life.”

Real sexual education. July 19, 2007

The Nation has an excellent interview with Heather Corinna, who runs scarleteen.com. Scarleteen.com supplies accurate, practical and comprehensive sexual information to teens in an accessible and straightforward manner.

A quick excerpt from the interview:

You start out telling readers that they can choose to create a “healthy, happy and fulfilling sexual life.” This notion alone is at odds with the tone of most media reports about teens and sex; why do you think teen sexuality sets off such controversy?

Corinna: Teenagers being sexual are often presented as teens “out of control,” even when historically, psychologically and physiologically what they’re doing is completely developmentally normal and appropriate. I think one reason why teenage sexuality is so controversial has to do with adult fears about losing control over a class of people who, quite earnestly, can have an awful lot of power and influence when they choose to harness it.

But some of that is also just plain old worry, coming from a good place. A lot of parents really love their kids, and feel they made errors with sexual partnership or sexuality they don’t want their own kids to make.

The rest here:
http://www.thenation.com/doc/20070730/sex

An example of the great practical advice that Scarleteen.com offers:

Your Basic Safer Sex Kit for a Pittance

* 10-12 latex condoms, preferably NOT spermicidal, and in a variety of the styles you like. Keep a couple flavored ones (Trustex makes great flavors) in there for fellatio (oral sex on a man). At Scarleteen, we prefer condoms made by Durex, Kimono, Crown and Inspiral. If you are allergic to latex, then polyurethane condoms (like Avanti). Never use animal-based condoms for safer sex purposes as they do not block microorganisms.
Average cost: $8
* One bottle of latex-safe, water-based lubricant. You can even get lubricant in single-use tubes and have a variety of lubes, including flavors. Astroglide is our personal favorite.
Average cost: $8
* 10 pairs of latex gloves — any drug store or medical supply sells them. If you’re allergic to latex, there are latex alternatives.
Average cost: $5
* 5 dental dams, or, if you can’t find them, a box of plain old plastic wrap (the kind you’d have in the kitchen for wrapping food) for cunnilingus (oral sex on a woman). Sheer Glyde dams are the best we’ve found. If you’re allergic to latex, go with the plastic wrap.
Average cost for five dams: $7
Average cost for one box of plastic wrap: $2
* A little tube of organic aloe vera gel. Say what? Sometimes, our skin reacts badly to certain lubricants or condoms. When it does, a little aloe will soothe your skin and stop swelling and allergic reactions that can make the transmission of disease more likely. Let it sit for a little bit, then wipe with water, and you’re all better.
Average cost: $3
*

TOTAL COST: $26

Fantastic.

Everyone else is doing it. July 19, 2007

My Liberal Identity:

You are a Social Justice Crusader, also known as a rights activist. You believe in equality, fairness, and preventing neo-Confederate conservative troglodytes from rolling back fifty years of civil rights gains.

Take the quiz at www.FightConservatives.com

Somehow, this result doesn’t surprise me in the least.

A convincing abstinence-only argument. July 18, 2007

“You have to look at why sex was created,” Eric Love, the director of the East Texas Abstinence Program, which runs Virginity Rules, said one day, the sounds of Christian contemporary music humming faintly in his Longview office. “Sex was designed to bond two people together.”

To make the point, Mr. Love grabbed a tape dispenser and snapped off two fresh pieces. He slapped them to his filing cabinet and the floor; they trapped dirt, lint, a small metal bolt. “Now when it comes time for them to get married, the marriage pulls apart so easily,” he said, trying to unite the grimy strips. “Why? Because they gave the stickiness away.”

Link to the NY Times article.

Sex is stickiness! Abstinence-only education would be riotously hilarious if it were not so harmful.

But, good news:

New laws in Colorado, Iowa and Washington state that sex education must be based on “research” or “science” — which is often interpreted as code for programs that include discussions of safer sex.

Abstinence-only education DOES NOT WORK. PERIOD. It is pretty much child abuse. Why not arm young people with the ability to make informed decisions about protection? Increasing the use of contraceptives = decreasing the number of abortions, STIs, and unwanted children. It’s very simple!

On the other hand, Iron Hymen offers a fresh take on abstinence-only education for girls.

I, [MY NAME], hereby pledge:

1. To never let grubby boys touch me – unless it’s just fun innocent stuff like tripping me and pulling my hair. (But only the hair on my head!)

2. To never wear trampy stuff like shorts or t-shirts or open-toed shoes, which basically tell horny perverts that I’m a major tramp who’s just asking for it.

3. To never do rough stuff like ride horsies or bikes with hard seats, which could break my vagina’s freshness seal and make me totally unlovable.

4. To never let tampons violate the sanctity of my hoo-hoo, because tampons are really nothing more than thirsty little albino penises.

5. To never have premarital sex, because Jesus doesn’t want anyone messing around inside my girly hole until after His church makes some money off a wedding.

I understand that abstaining from sex protects me from:

Forcing my wonderful parents to use “tough love” and kick me out of the house for embarrassing them by being such a little whore.

Having adoption-hungry homosexuals circle my pregnant belly like vultures, hell-bent on corrupting my unwanted bastard child with their sicko “love.”

The testimonials offer solid proof:

Brianna K.: “Iron Hymen taught me how to use super-effective strategies for just abstaining from natural stuff. And it works so good, that now when I get all old, I’m going to abstain from wrinkles and dying, too!”

Crystal F.: “I used to suffer terribly from dirty dreams about boys. Thankfully, now my Iron Hymen Libido-Be-Gone™ thong panties keep my dreams clean – and my yucky cooter bone-dry!”

Muffy P.: “OHMIGOD, like, Iron Hymen taught me to respect myself way too much to ever let some hairy creep hock man-lugies on my Godly cervix like it’s some gross subway platform!”

Iron Hymen for life!

It Is What It Is. July 17, 2007

It’s time that we break through the clutter and get proactive about discussing buzzwords. Employing buzzwords can be an easy solution when you are looking to create impact and make things pop. But sometimes it is better to think outside the box and take it to another level by excising these borderline-cliche phrases from your speech (depending on your opinion of what constitutes best practices when writing within the framework of a business perspective).

Of course, trying to get people to agree on the use of buzzwords is often like herding cats. Buzzwords are the low hanging fruit of the business writing world; ripe for the picking and tempting to grab. But more and more, the use of buzzwords is leading to yawns and annoyance, rather than empowerment.

Perhaps it is time for a paradigm shift. Perhaps it is time for business writers to cast off the weighty burdens of leveraging, long tails, exit strategies, facetimes and event horizons.

Anyone who can correctly identify all of the buzzwords/buzzphrases in this entry gets a prize. Incidentally, buzzword itself is considered a buzzword.

Oh, and one more thing: Synergy, organic growth, bizmeth and Web 2.0!